My top ten best, most funny and clean valentines day jokes selection

Scouring the web for Valentines Day jokes, I have decided to compile my top ten list of the most funny, clean, good, quality valentines day jokes. These come from other sources and are not mine originally but mind you I spent some time screening them and made sure they are best list of the most funny, clean, good, quality valentines day jokes ever. If you don’t find them funny enough, I’ll give you free liporexall hehehehe.  (This is how much I love my readers hehehehe) 🙂

However if you disagree with my selection, drop me a comment and feel free to submit your joke. Perhaps we don’t have the same sense of humor or you live in a different planet hehehehehe. 🙂 Anyway these are arranged from the good to the best.

No. 10 – Osama’s Valentine

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

David’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” David says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden,” his father asks in shock.

“Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”

His father’s heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

“David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him.”


No. 9 – Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.


No. 8 – The meaning of dreams

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband,

“I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day.

What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it – only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams”.


No. 7 – Romantic

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, at a very smart jeweller’s shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweller inquired, ‘Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?’

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, ‘No, instead engrave “To my one and only love”.’


The jeweller smiled and said, ‘Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.’

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, ‘Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.’


No. 6 – The in-laws

On Valentine’s day, A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

(Revised) Source:

No. 5 – I’ll do anything for you

On valentines day, an extremely attractive sexy young man, elegantly dressed, walked into a bar. He noticed an equally attractive female staring at him open-mouthed. Very flattered, he approached her and said in his sexiest deep voice – “I’ll do anything for you wish this valentines beautiful lady, for just $20 but there is one condition.” The young lady, mesmerised ,asked as if in a trance – “What’s your condition?” The young man replied, “Tell me your wish in just three words.” After a long pause, the lady opened her purse, counted the money and handed it to the man along with her address. With bathed breath he waited to hear her wish. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, “Clean my house.”

(Revised) Source:

No. 4: Make your own valentines day card !

Opening page: Darling, you seem to get more beautiful everyday

Inside: – but I refuse to wear glasses!

Back portion: (Only kidding! But here’s something I really mean: you excite me!) (You’d better print this so you will not get kicked out of the house !)

(Revised) Source:

No. 3 – Sick

Girl: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”

Boy: “Really?”

Girl: “Yeah, you make me sick!”


No. 2 – Embarrassing situations

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine’s Day night and sees a beautiful woman at the bar. After a long struggle with his shyness, he finally managed to walk over to her and asked her politely, “Um, would you mind if I give you company?” She made a furious face and yelled at the top of her lungs, “How dare you asked me to sleep with you tonight?” Everyone in the pub started staring at the man who was completely embarrassed. After a few minutes, woman walked over to him and apologized – “You see I am a student of psychology and studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. I am sorry but I was just doing my experiment!” The young man suddenly gave a loud yell, “What do you mean $200?


No. 1 – Wishing well (Simply the best !)

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!”


HAPPY VALENTINES DAY ! May your valentines day be filled with laughter and lots of love !

Click here to view “My Top ten love quotes and Valentines day text messages

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